Good start, but you could try to include more specific information to hook the school board’s interest and show it is relevant to OUSD. I also suggest you all read it aloud together and line by line adjust any wording you need to strengthen your message. As Young Whan noted, you should provide more specific information about your proposed program as well.

I think this a really good start, I think adding something personal like maybe someone you know who got trapped into gang violence and say how it has affected you. Also make it a little more fluent, not like your answering a questionaire. You mentioned starting a community program so I think you should go more in detail about so there is more chance of it happening.
Good luck!
Hannah

I like the concept. There are several grammatical errors in the letter so I would have someone you know review it. I would like to hear more about what activities they would do in the community program. Overall I think it is a great cause. Good Luck!

I like the concept. There are several grammatical errors in the letter so I would have someone you know review it. I would like to hear more about what activities they would do in the community program. Overall I think it is a great cause. Good Luck!

Good start! I think talking about you personal would be good so the readers will get to know why this is so important to you. I like the concept because gang violence in oakland is high in the last year Oakland has lost a lot of young kids taken to young. Do you think your solution could actually stop gang violence completely? From reading the work I can see that you are really trying to get a point across when writing the letter to the school board. How could the school board change gang violence that happen in the streets of Oakland everyday? How could you stop this young adults from killing each other?

I think the way you’re addressing your issue awsome! We should have programs that would keep kids out of trouble. But mentally for the kids I think they suffer from association of bad influence in these communities. It’s all up to the them whether they want to join programs or not , majority of them probably wouldn’t even go because they scared about what their friends are going to say, and that’s the peer pressure. I think that there is a lot of programs but do the kids actually take advantage and go ? “No” They’re are just some kids who chose to be good and there are some who chose to follow the wrong crowd.

I am impressed by the many ideas, solutions and reasons you gave on this issue. Your letter sounds persuasive but it will be much stronger if you give a personal experience, someone you know. Other than that having mentors who can make workshops on how to deal with stress or talk about how they feel sounds like a really good exercise. Although, have you thought about involving the police when it comes to get teenagers out of a gang? I have seen multiple friends dealing with this type of issue trying to leave and things get messy.

I think this is great but also talk more about how it affects you and others. Also, talk more about why teens go into gang violence, is it due to family issues? I think this is a very serious issue, even living in Oakland, teens are being killed from gang violence. Overall this is a great start.

I love the idea of voicing your concerns to an authority who could change the issue. However before sending your letter in I would consider adding a personal touch as well as proof reading. The school board is not going to take a lot of time to read so make sure you have a clear thesis.

I absolutely love the idea you are bringing forth about starting a program that helps teenagers and young adults find jobs in order to prevent them from joining gangs. Your idea is strong, but I would really focus on revising this and looking for grammar mistakes. Having fluid sentences is what will make the people on the school board consider this idea. Often times people in higher up positions will toss out anything that doesn’t even look worthwhile even if it is, so just clean up the grammar and you’ll be golden.

This is such a great idea. Many teens join gangs because it is there only place to go and many of them feel as though they are truly cared for by the other members. It is great to utilize other options like school clubs, sports, etc to show these kids that there are other places they can go to receive the attention they need.

Dear Students of Oakland,
Thank you so much for enlightening me on this subject. I come from a place that gang violence isn’t on my grid, it is unheard of, and I am incredibly fortunate of that. I thought that you taking a stand is a great first step, and I think your plan is a good one. What do you think that other societies, with no violence like this, can do to help? I want to help your cause, but I don’t know how. I think you have a very important topic, and thank you for sharing it with me.
Sincerely,
Lexi Thomsen