“What’s the point of trying?” A constant thought that roams my mind on a daily basis. Restless nights, lack of energy, worthlessness, guilt, worry, and the list goes on.
You would think, “What can she possibly be going through at such a young age?”
Let me tell you, being a mother, daughter, student and friend all in one isn’t so easy.
I began to think that the reason I felt this way was because of my postpartum depression. I thought that this was only going to be the first few months of motherhood. It became more than that when it began to interfere with my education and personal life.
My concentration got worse by the day, I couldn’t stand sitting in a chair for so long without wanting to run away. I felt people’s eyes all over me when I’d be gone for a while; it’s like this rush of anxiety would creep up on me. I wouldn’t want to return to school the next day. The days began to accumulate and my average was just getting lower by the day.
My brain wouldn’t rest just thinking about how stupid I am, that I can’t ever get or do anything right. I hit my head over and over as a punishment.I cried in the mirror frustrated at all these things going on in my head. My own family didn’t recognize me, the darkness was taking over me. I distanced myself several times, I’d be locked in my room, and I wouldn’t even come out to eat. I felt like nobody noticed the crisis I was going through, I felt like my presence didn’t matter.
I constantly thought about taking my life away, but then that’s when I would snap out of it. I couldn’t abandon the little person I gave life to. I promised I would give her the world and be the best role model there is, but how was I going to do it when I felt the demons beside me? That’s when I thought that maybe if I spoke about what I was feeling, I would get the help I need. It took me a lot to actually go to my doctor and open up about everything I was feeling. It felt unusual to have to talk about such dark emotions to someone else without having them think that you’re suicidal or delusional.
At the moment that my doctor told me that it was normal, my heart felt a relief. She prescribed me anti-depressants and had me meet with a counselor every other week. It felt nice to have somebody to talk to especially when they specialize in dealing with other people’s emotions.
I can’t say that solved all my problems, it puts like a temporary pause on everything for me. Depression and anxiety can be treated but cannot disappear, it will always be there but just know how to control it. My heart still skips a beat now and then, and my hands still fidget when I begin to feel anxious. It just motivates me to push 10x harder than the usual because life is full of obstacles that we have to learn to overcome.
Between 80 and 60 percent of students that are diagnosed with depression and anxiety are not getting treatment. Check on your students, friends, family, etc. Because you never really know what they go through.