Mama believes that I despise my adorable sister, Maggie, and I do not blame her for the way she perceives me because my mother did not get an education beyond 2nd grade. I know how it was almost impossible for a black person in the 1920s to get an education, especially for girls. As I was growing up in my Mama’s house, I realized that we were poverty-stricken. I wanted to have a better life for my family and myself. So I decided to get an education in order to be able to unshackle my family and myself from the bondage of ignorance that I believed was part of the reason why my family was poor. I remember when I was young and naive, our old house that I despised engulfed by the flames. I was so gratified because I wanted to wipe out all the memories that I resented while living in my old house. I remember seeing my beautiful sister getting eaten by the flames, and unfortunately, I was completely paralyzed that I could not even help her, probably because I wanted the house to be wiped off the surface of the Earth or because I witnessed my adorable sister being hunted by the flames? All I know that at that time I was dazed and overwhelmed.

Also, I remember when I was trying to enlighten my family by teaching them and showing them the other worlds, they felt like I was intimidating them. I do not blame them for their feelings, but I do blame them for the fact that they believed that I hate both of them and never attempted to listen and open their minds. After I felt completely disconnected from my family, I decided to travel to build my own future due to the fact my mother and sister seemed to love each other, living in their small and very-limited world. After five years of being away, I bought my own house and got married to a man that I love and believe will assist me in my journey of prospering. This is the reason why I left my own family. I left them to become a better person and help them in the future, but I never hated the family that I grew up with.

As I started to get involved in my life overseas, I came to realize that family is very precious and indispensable. I will never forget those days when I did not have any  6company but the bleak darkness of the midwinter. My husband left for a business trip and I was all alone at home. While he was away, I played dead, hoping the loneliness would leave me alone, and to avoid the empty side of my home. Each night insomnia used to sweep me up in his arms and dip me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light. Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feels like the perfect company. So I decided to go for walks but my stuttering kneecaps clanked like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists. They ring in my ear like clumsy church bells, reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I can not baptize myself in. But this was not what really made me realize that family is vital to a healthy life, but the fact that I abandoned my own family because they could not comprehend and accept me.

My loneliness made me feel me that I was obligated to reunite with my family, otherwise it would haunt me until the last moment of my life. So I went back to my home country hoping that I would get accustomed to my family. I was compelled to incorporate new methods and means in the way that I treat my family to assure them that I am not an outsider. But still my family rejected reunification, and this was the moment I came to realize that I was born alone. My fate is to be alone. The hollow auditorium of my life started to get wider and bigger as I decided to go back overseas. Still, Mama does not understand 

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CC BY-SA 4.0 Loneliness Is A Battle With No Winner by El-Hossin is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

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