Author: Nicolette

You are worth so much

Self worth is something I believe that everyone has struggled with at least once in their entire life. It can be especially hard when you are a teenager and still developing self confidence. We often find ourselves around negativity and sometimes we can not quite escape that environment.

Often times we find ourselves caring about what other people think of us and we find ourselves comparing one another which leads to low self esteem and low self worth. My very first experience in which I felt less than was on my first day of kindergarten. We had been practicing math and when I did not know the answer to the question my teacher looked at me with what perceived as a child as rage. She grabbed me by the arm and sat me in the corner of the class as she called my mother to tell her I wasn’t ready for school. I felt tears prick my eyes as she shouted into the phone, I bit my lip harshly as I felt the stares of the other kids. I had felt so… stupid. It was a terrible experience and I felt so small compared to everyone else.

From that point on my self confidence had deteriorated and because I had such little self worth it made me an easy target for bullies. It began around the middle of the first semester in 2nd grade, I was a bit heavier than most kids in my grade and I was made fun of for it. I was very quiet and never talked to anyone so my bullies knew i wouldn’t tell anyone. People hurt me emotionally and physically until 6th grade. I had felt so worthless and I felt like I deserved the abuse like some type of stockholm syndrome.

By the time I had reached 7th grade I had begun not letting people pick on me anymore but I still bottled everything up. Eventually I was diagnosed with anxiety and Major Depression and struggled with severe suicidal tendencies. Once I entered high school my self worth has at an all time low. I became addicted to cigarettes, developed an eating disorder and let myself stay in an abusive relationship. I felt worthless and undeserving of any kind of positive feeling. I eventually found my way out of that relationship with the help of my friends but my suicidal tendencies were still very much alive. I found it hard to keep myself focused in school but still did the best  could but the stress kept adding up that eventually i was beginning to have suicidal thoughts at school and had to leave school early and go to an emergency therapy appointment. I ended up being deemed not stable enough to stay home and was hospitalized. During my time there I learned all kinds of mental exercises and learned that change starts with me. I was the only one truly keeping myself from feeling worth something. I wouldn’t be happy unless I let myself admit that i was deserving of it. I am worthy of so much. I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of respect. After I was discharged from the hospital I had decided to go to group therapy. Being there really helped me out especially with being able to relate to the other teenagers my age and even made a couple of friends out of it.

I have learned so much in the span of a couple of months. Of course I still struggle with self worth but now it’s easier. I know I am worth much more than I think at times. I am in a positive relationship with a guy that cares about me and I am his first priority. For one of the first times in my life I feel truly important and accepted. I will have days that are harder than most and yes sometimes the past will come back to bite me, but I will not let it get to me. I will move forward and not turn back because I am worth more than I will ever know.