I collapsed on the tile floor crying. I haven’t eaten anything in a week, how the hell did I gain two pounds? My weight was flashing on the scale as if it were mocking me – 115 lbs, 115 lbs, 115 lbs.

I climbed to my feet and looked in the mirror. My bra gapping at the cups and my underwear hung loosely around my hips, my ribs made a pattern that of a xylophone down my sides and my collar bones protruded out like little shelves. I was a skeleton draped in skin looking in a funhouse mirror. I saw fat instead of flesh, rolls instead of ribs. My stomach growled, bringing the sick pleasure of having an empty stomach.

Pretty girls don’t eat.

I threw on my sweatshirt and shorts, making me look like a child who stole her dad’s clothes, and stumbled over to the bed, crawling under the blankets and burying my face into my sleeping cat. No longer being able to tell the difference between the growl of my stomach and her purr, I drifted off to sleep.



  1. Alicia 4 years ago

    Dear Maddie: Yes, You Are Pretty

    I’d be lying if I said I never wished I looked like someone else. Reading the words “pretty girls don’t eat” touched me in a sort of ironic way. I was in a predicament opposite of yours, I wanted to GAIN weight. When I hear people say they wish they were skinnier, I can’t help but look at them as if they are crazy. One time, I had a friend tell me she’d trade bodies with me if she could, and it left me speechless because during that time in my life, I really wasn’t happy with my shape. I wanted to be a bigger size! If I had the option, I would’ve traded bodies with her then and there.

    I began stuffing my face with food, everyday. Even when I was full from one meal, Id continue to eat because I wanted to gain pounds. I stopped eating healthy, which caused me to break out, but I was so focused on that image of a perfect body, I didn’t care. Every night, I would use a weighing scale to see if I gained anything, but the same numbers popped up on the screen. I began getting angry at my body. Why was it so easy for other people to gain weight? I watched tutorials and even talked to my doctor about it, I was serious about getting the body I wanted!

    Eventually, after all the time and effort I put into gaining weight, I learned to be happy about my body. Nothing is wrong with it, and even though I can’t see you, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing wrong with yours either! Through God’s eyes, we’re all beautiful. He made us in his own image, so if you insult yourself, you are technically insulting God as well. If you don’t see yourself as perfect, you shouldn’t see anyone else as perfect, we are all equally made. God has no favorites!

    I’m trying to avoid being harsh, but truth is: no matter how hard you try…you’ll never be the next person. No matter how much makeup you wear, weight you lose, hairstyles you try…you’ll always be you! Instead of wasting time trying to be perfect, focus on improving your confidence. I understand you wanted to lose weight, but to what degree? That’s the important part. You shouldn’t go as far as starving yourself.

    Here are some things I did during my process to improving my confidence:

    1.I stopped comparing myself to other females.

    As humans, we tend to look for things in other people that we don’t find in ourselves. As a result, we end up not satisfied and less confident.

    I began to look on the bright side!

    Dont spend time focusing on what you don’t have, focus on the things you already like about yourself!
    I surrounded myself with people who cared.

    Talking to people who understood what I was going through gave me strength.

    Hopefully these tips help you!

  2. Irene 4 years ago

    I’m self-conscious about my appearance also to this day even though everyone says to accept who you are. I always wish that I was taller, skinnier, and prettier, but I realize there’s nothing I could do to change who I am. Your description of how you saw yourself in the mirror made me sad of how so many girls, including me, in our generation don’t feel pretty enough. I think this problem is mainly caused by social media in this technologically advanced society, where people have this certain beauty standard that everyone feels the need to set as a goal. I don’t think there should be such thing as a beauty standard, because it’s becoming an obstacle that we must circumvent to feel pretty. I hope you accept yourself and everyone’s beautiful in their own special ways. Being skinny does not always mean pretty.

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